I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
