Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
