Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
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