i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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