I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
