you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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