I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
