ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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