the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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