I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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