Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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