when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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