sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
