I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
