The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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