You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
