I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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