So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
no, he came in my armpit
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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