Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
