The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
