My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
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Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
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For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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