I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
