It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
