What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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