By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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