i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
