i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
