if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
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