I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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