So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
