You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
