the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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