You're my little dorito
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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