The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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