ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
