You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
