i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
