$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
