i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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