you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Two words: nipple clamps
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