I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
