We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
