i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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