just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
