i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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