I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
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Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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