I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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