I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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