This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
