Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
