some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
