Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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