Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
