You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
