I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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