is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
