Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
