aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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