hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
